Seriously, I think the worst part about the type of cancer that I have, is knowing that this thing will some day kill me. I’ll suffer some kind of gastric failure and die from the complications of that. Strangely enough, I’m OK with that. It’s one less thing that I need to worry about.
The second worst thing, is the constant pain.
I’m seriously in pain pretty much every day on my right side, where the cancer metastasized to my liver and where it lives in my sigmoid colon. Sure, I can take a pain pill, but those things are addictive and I don’t like how sleepy they make me.
I try to use hot and cold compresses and also use some CBD oil to try and make the pain go away, but it’s always there. It’s a constant reminder that I am indeed sick and the sickness is serious.
The third thing, is dealing with my current employer.
They want me to submit something to them every 6 weeks, as if this cancer battle is akin to a broken bone.
I can understand that the company chose a setup that best matched the most common type of injuries that they see, aka broken bones or something along those lines, but this is cancer and is not something that is cured in 6 weeks.
If I don’t deal with them, then I’d have to deal with a different bureaucracy and I’m just not ready, emotionally or physically, to take that step. Not quite yet, but more than likely sooner rather than later.
The fourth thing is that I wish my kids would see me more often. I want them to know how much I love them, but they just won’t reply to me because they are busy with school work and life and all that sort of thing. I just wish they would take a moment for me.
This whole thing sucks and I wish it would be over, but I know that “over” entails and I’m not ready for that either. There are so many things that I want to see and do and I’m just not ready to speed up my expiration date.
I want to live and enjoy the life that I have left and cancer can go suck a bag of dicks.