As a cancer patient, there are many things that I fear. Some of the things I fear are silly, some are not.
One of my favorite things about having this blog is that I get to write about things, and the things I write about leave my head. At least, they leave for a little while.
This is by no means a comprehensive list of things that I fear, but these are things that I felt like I should list here.
- I fear that dying will hurt. I don’t know why, but I get the feeling that when you die, your body stops working, but your mind might remain active for a bit and that because of this, you feel like you’re suffocating, or you can feel yourself dying.
- No more treatments are available for me. I may or may not have mentioned that first line chemo is no longer effective against my cancer. I’m basically circling the drain, and I’m afraid there may not be any other treatment options that can help give me more time.
- Being forgotten. I dunno why, but I feel like people will eventually forget me, or forget to think about me. I know that my family will likely remember me, and a few of my friends will remember me for years to come, but I feel like most people that I know will just forget about me. I don’t know why I care about this, I just do,
- Pain. I fear being in pain. I’m constantly in pain as it is, but I fear that the pain will get worse and will never get better. It’s like that meme with Homer Simpson and Bart, where Bart says “I have never felt this bad in my entire life” and Homer corrects him saying “You will never feel this good again.” It’s kind of like that.
- I fear that my kids will forget the sound of my voice and they will never really get to know me and I won’t get to know them fully. I’m going to miss their weddings, graduations, big job promotions etc. and I won’t get to know my grand kids since I’ll likely be dead before they are born.
- I fear that my kids might not know how to handle my death.
- I fear my wife won’t know how to handle my death. I’m pretty sure that she knows how to access all of my accounts and she has all of my passwords etc. but I don’t know that I’ve told her everything that she needs to know to handle my final affairs.
- I’m not insurable, so I have no life insurance to leave anything behind for my kids or my final expenses. I fear that this will create a burden for my wife and family.
- Ostomy blow out. I have an ostomy, meaning that a portion of my colon was cut off and the remainder was redirected to the front of my abdominal wall. I have to wear a bag to catch my Mitch McConnell whenever it wants to come out of me. These bags, are expensive, temperamental and persnickety. You have to wear them just right or else they’ll fail and you end up covered in Mitch McConnell because the bag failed to do its job, because you didn’t stick it on right.
- My funeral play list won’t get played. Look, I think it’s a sign of the current times that people put together a play list of songs for their funeral. I’m not the only person that has thought of this, I know this, but I fear that the people in charge of the funeral won’t know how to work Spotify or they won’t have Apple Music or something and they’ll just botch my music selection.
Interestingly, to me, I’m not afraid of dying. I don’t fear death itself, even though I don’t know for sure what comes next. I’m curious to know what comes next, like is there really a heaven/ hell? Do we just dissipate into the universe since mass and energy can’t be created or destroyed only changed, or is it something else altogether?
I should mention, that at one point in time, I was a paranormal investigator, yes a ghost hunter. We captured evidence of spirits haunting a house out in Taylor and we’ve recorded ghostly voices at a court house among other things. Before we started any investigation, we prayed and anointed ourselves with olive oil, for protection from evil, but we never could determine if the spirits we encountered knew they were dead or not. We never got an answer to the question of what happens after your die.
The point being, I don’t fear dying or death itself, but I care about what happens on this terrestrial plain with the memory of my existence and how my kids and loved ones will handle my death.
Basically, I’m more worried about those I’ll leave behind than what will happen with me.